


I'm not on drugs! I swear! 2

by charibob



Series: drugs [2]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M, Fairy Tales, crack!, so much crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-02-12 13:42:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2112057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charibob/pseuds/charibob
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Well, to summarize would be pretty much impossible. I'll just give<br/>you a warning instead. It's quite possible I've gone mad and haven't realized<br/>it, and this is just the product of my madness. But hey, madness can be fun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm not on drugs! I swear! 2

A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.......

Willow Bo Peep was a shepherdess. She hadn't planned on being a shepherdess.  
Sheep herding had been about the bottom on her list of things to do, but she  
answered an ad in the paper and now here she was. And the ad had been totally  
misleading too. It had read, 'Animal lover needed for outdoor work' she had  
thought it was going to be something to do with horses. And she had needed a  
job. After all, college wasn't going to pay for itself. So she went. The guy  
took one look at her, said "You're hired. The sheep are out back. Don't let  
them stay in one spot too long or they'll run out of grass." Not what she was  
expecting at all. But hey, a job is a job.

Willow Bo Peep lived next to her lifelong friend Xander Peter. Xander Peter  
was a pumpkin eater. But sadly, the demand for pumpkin eaters in the job  
market was practically nil, so Xander Peter had to take whatever pumpkin  
eating jobs there were. Which basically constituted of being a guinea pig and  
eating whatever pumpkins the Sunnyhell Genetic Vegetation Research Laboratory  
sent him. So he had some... problems. Eating genetically mutated pumpkins  
will do that to a person.

One of Xander Peter's problems (that actually wasn't caused by pumpkins) was  
that he was married to a woman who was very high class. Don't get me wrong,  
she wasn't a complete stuck up bitch, but she had a fondness for designer  
labels and expensive jewelry. And soon after the wedding Xander Peter  
realized that there was no way he could afford to keep a wife (especially not  
that one) on a pumpkin eater's salary. So he decided to get rid of her. But  
he decided to do it in his own special way. He got one of the largest  
pumpkins he could find (it was about the size of a small house) and he ate  
out the insides, leaving a hollow shell. When his wife came home from a long  
day of shopping, Xander stuck her in the pumpkin and superglued the top back  
on so that she couldn't get out. (Don't have a fit yet. Just keep reading.  
This is a happy story, I think. And it wouldn't be very happy if people were  
dying in pumpkin shells, now would it be?)

After Xander Peter was finished with his gluing, it was time for part two of  
his plan. Unfortunately it was a very big pumpkin, so he was going to need  
some help. Naturally, the first person he thought of to help him was his good  
buddy Willow Bo Peep. 

He went to the field that Willow was doing her sheep herding in. When he got  
there, he found a very freaked out Willow that kept counting the sheep.

"What's the matter Willow?"

Willow turned to him in tears. "One of the stupid sheep is missing! I can't  
find it anywhere. What am I going to do? I'll get fired. And what about the  
poor sheep? It could be lost or hurt or somebody's dinner by now! And even if  
they are ugly and stupid and smell bad, I can't just go around losing them.  
It'll look terrible on my resume! What am I going to do?"

"Simple," replied Xander Peter. "You are going to put the sheep back in their  
pen, help me take Cordy's stuff down to the docks real quick, and then we're  
going to find your stupid smelly sheep. Okay?"

"Um.... Why are we taking Cordy's stuff to the docks?"

"Cordy has decided to leave me and go to Europe to be a model or something.  
I'm shipping her stuff to her. But it's in a really big pumpkin, and it's too  
large to move by myself." (See, I didn't stick Cordy in the pumpkin to die!  
She's just going on a little trip. To Europe no less. I *can* be a nice bob  
when the mood suits me!)

"Oh. Alright. Help me get these stupid sheep put away and we'll be off."

AT THE SAME TIME  
IN A LITTLE HOUSE  
BY THE DOCKS

Gilespetto was a lonely guy. He used to be a librarian until some idiot blew  
his library up, but now he was unemployed and bored out of his mind. No one  
ever came to see him, and he wasn't needed anymore because with the loss of  
the library he couldn't help anyone with their research. And the tweed really  
put people off, despite his yummy accent. So he decided to start doing  
woodcarving. 

One day he got large oak tree, and decided to make himself a life size  
puppet, just to see if he could. When he had finished, he had a beautiful,  
well proportioned man puppet. It was like a living angel, except not (alive  
that is) so he decided to call it Angel. But once Gilespetto had finished  
with his puppet, he was bored and lonely again. 

"If only you were alive," said Gilespetto to his Angel, "I bet you'd keep me  
company." (And he didn't mean it like THAT, so you can all pull your filthy  
little minds out of the gutters!)

Now, unbeknownst to Gilespetto, the Blue Fairy Bunny had heard his wish. (And  
seen Angel, who let me tell you is a *fine* puppet) and she decided to grant  
his wish. 

Angel got up off the table and he and Gilespetto and the Blue Fairy Bunny  
instantly felt the need to go into a song and dance number. Which they did.  
And which I will spare you, so your ears don't start bleeding. (I'm betting  
that Bunny has a horrid singing voice) 

The song and dance number attracted a little attention. And I do mean little.  
A teenie tiny little man (with yummy cheekbones and a wicked accent) heard  
the commotion and decided to go investigate. He was incredibly bored, not  
having been able to find any teenie tiny women and figured anything would be  
entertaining until he found one.

Once the song and dance number was over, the teenie tiny little man was  
turning to leave when the Blue Fairy Bunny saw him and decided to give him a  
job. She scooped up the little guy and told him that from now on he was going  
to be Angel's conscience, and that no matter what he wasn't to allow Angel to  
have sex because it would turn him into a cow (Not to mention the splinter  
problem for whoever else was involved. And yes, that was supposed to be  
disgusting, so you can all keep your minds in the gutters where they belong.)

Now the teenie tiny little man, who's name was Spikey Cricket (No, he wasn't  
a bug. It's just his last name.) wasn't too thrilled with this assignment,  
but he figured it was something to relieve his boredom (since he couldn't  
relieve anything else until he found a teenie tiny woman.) 

As soon as the Blue Fairy Bunny was gone, Angel (at Spikey Cricket's urging)  
went out exploring. Spikey Cricket sat on his shoulder (where he could get a  
good view down women's shirts, assuming they found any women.)

Gilespetto, now even more depressed than before (after all, even his own  
puppet abandoned him) went out for a walk. On his walk he passed two people  
pushing a giant pumpkin but they didn't stop to talk to him so he ignored  
them and kept walking. After a few minutes he came to a grassy knoll (being  
careful to look out for second gunmen) and there was a woman sitting there.  
Oddly, she was eating curds and whey, which was not a common staple. Most  
people ate incredibly large vegetables from the Sunnyhell Genetic Vegetation  
Research Laboratory (That's right, the next time you go to the store to buy a  
tomato to feed your family for a month just remember the Sunnyhell Genetic  
Vegetation Research Laboratory, where all the best produce comes--OH MY  
GOD!!!! THE CARROTS ARE LOOSE!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!)

The woman started talking to Gilespetto, which was nice, but she was talking  
about the stars singing and the nasty spiders coming after Miss Edith, which  
was not so nice. In fact, it was freaky. It sure as hell freaked Gilespetto  
out. It freaked him out so much that he ran back to the docks (passing the  
pumpkin people again) and got into a small boat headed anywhere that wasn't  
here. 

Angel and Spikey Cricket also found the pumpkin people. They were trying  
valiantly to get the giant pumpkin on the ship. Angel took one look at the  
little redhead struggling so hard with the pumpkin and fell in love. (With  
the redhead, not the pumpkin.) Spikey Cricket took one look at the redhead  
and fell in lust. (Again, not with the pumpkin) Angel immediately rushed to  
help the redhead with the pumpkin, but before he could get there, Xander  
Peter (having eaten some particularly off pumpkins earlier in the day) lost  
his hold on the pumpkin and it fell in the water with a huge splash.

"Um.... Ooops?" said Xander.

Willow Bo Peep vaguely heard what Xander Peter was saying and sort of  
remembered that they were supposed to be doing something, but she didn't  
really care. After all, there was a completely gorgeous specimen of manhood  
standing before her, staring at her like she was the last drop of water in a  
desert. Why would she care about trivial things like pumpkins and their  
eaters at a time like this?

The world fell away, choirs of angels started singing, yada yada yada. And  
before they knew it, they had exchanged names in a breathless sigh and their  
lips had locked to eachothers more securely than Fort Knox.

Neither Xander Peter nor Spikey Cricket was too happy with this development. 

Xander Peter was unhappy because just as the wooden yahoo had shown up Xander  
was realizing what a babe his friend was and exactly how available he had  
become since his wife went on her little ocean cruise. 

Spikey Cricket was unhappy, not because he was worried about Angel having sex  
and becoming a cow (to be quite truthful, Spikey was kinda hoping for this  
development. It would answer a lot of questions for him, like would he be a  
wooden cow? And if he was a wooden cow, would he eat grass or would he go off  
in search of fertilizer?) but because Willow had knocked him off of Angel's  
shoulders. 

"Oh sure. Don't mind me. No one ever pays attention to their conscience. And  
I'm just the little guy too. People these days have no respect for the little  
guy. Aaarrrgghh!!! I need a tiny woman!"

After much prying, Xander Peter managed to get some airspace between Angel  
and Willow (eventually resorting to a crowbar) and drug Willow to a boat to  
go retrieve Cordy. Angel followed and got into the boat right before Xander  
untied it. So they all set off to sea, where they were promptly eaten by a  
whale.

Once they were inside the whales stomach, the unlikely foursome (Geez, you  
people can make anything sound filthy! You need to wash your brains out with  
soap.) found three things. They found Gilespetto sitting in his little boat.  
They found Cordy, who's pumpkin had cracked open. And they found a whole lot  
of disgusting stomach acid covering everything. 

The first thing Angel did when Gilespetto had been found was to introduce him  
to the woman he had fallen in love with. The first thing Xander Peter did was  
immediately start groveling to Cordy so that she wouldn't hurt him *too*  
terribly bad over the whole pumpkin incident. The first thing Willow Bo Peep  
did (after meeting Gilespetto and being all cute and charming for him so that  
he wouldn't try to keep her and Angel apart) was to go over and beat Xander  
Peter for tricking her into throwing Cordy Peter into the ocean. The first  
thing Spikey Cricket did was to again lament the fact that he was still tiny  
womanless.

Cordy ignored her husband in favor of Gilespetto, who's accent was truly  
luscious. And Gilespetto was quite enjoying the attention too. They smiled  
and simpered at eachother, and Willow and Angel were in much the same state,  
leaving Xander and Spikey to find a way out. Luckily for everyone involved,  
the pumpkin that Cordy had been trapped in was being digested by the whale  
(who hadn't spent the majority of his life eating genetically altered  
pumpkins and couldn't handle the mutations) and got very sick. So sick in  
fact, the poor whale lost his lunch. So the inhabitants of the whale were  
freed, but disgusting and slimey and smelly (You try getting covered in whale  
vomit and still come out of it smelling and looking clean. Can't be done. But  
at least they didn't come out the other way.)

Anyway, once they had reached dry land and cleaned up a bit (a lot) they all  
proceeded to Gilespetto's house. Gilespetto and Cordy had hit it off quite  
wonderfully and were planning the wedding already. Angel decided to ask the  
Blue Fairy Bunny to make him a real boy (--er... man) so that he could be  
with Willow Bo Peep forever. Spikey and Xander went to the nearest bar to  
mourn their lack of love life.

When Angel asked the Blue Fairy Bunny if he could become human, he said it  
was because he was so in love with someone he couldn't see straight. When the  
Blue Fairy Bunny asked who, Angel didn't answer. He had heard about this neat  
thing called 'cryptic' and was trying it out. But the Blue Fairy Bunny took  
his silence to mean that he was in love with her and she promptly made him  
human and then jumped him. When he pushed her away and told her that he  
wasn't in love with her, the Blue Fairy Bunny was so hurt that she sent Angel  
to hell. 

When Willow Bo Peep found out, she was crushed. This was *so* not turning out  
to be her day. She left Gilespetto's house in tears and went to go find  
Xander Peter and Spikey Cricket. And they all proceeded to get incredibly  
drunk. When they had all reached optimum level of intoxication (when the  
world is spinning but you're not ready to puke) they went off wandering and  
found themselves on the grassy knoll. Little Dru Muffet was still sitting  
there, eating her curds and whey and babbling about the stars when a spider  
showed up. Xander Peter (who was not only fighting the alcohol for coherency  
but also the many genetically altered pumpkins) fell over at her cry and  
squished the spider flat. Little Dru Muffet was so happy that she kissed  
Xander and the sparks flew. 

But they had a little problem. Well, actually two little problems. Willow and  
Spikey were still there, so Dru did some mojo and Angel was pulled out of  
hell. Willow went off with Angel to go check on her sheep and they took  
Spikey with them, leaving Xander and Dru to explore their sparks.

When they got to the sheep pen, Willow Bo Peep found a nice surprise. Her  
missing sheep had come home. And it was being ridden by a little leather  
encased version of herself. She crouched down to thank ThumbelWillow, who was  
mumbling to herself.

"This world sucks! There are no tiny men whatsoever! How am I supposed to  
have any fun in a world with no tiny men? I can't ride any of the big people  
like ponies! (Please remove your mind from the gutter now.) I hate this  
place!"

Willow Bo Peep smiled at fortune (or an indecisive author who can't seem to  
choose between Spike and Angel) and introduced her to Spikey Cricket. Spikey  
Cricket and ThumbelWillow hit it off immediately (mostly because they were  
both interested in pony rides, and yes you can go back to your gutters) and  
went off to explore the possibilities.

And Willow Bo Peep quit her sheep herding job and she and Angel went off into  
the sunset to live happily ever after.

The End  
Well, am I mad or just slightly around the bend? You be the judge.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, if you aren't as versed in nursery rhymes as I am, a little reference  
> guide:
> 
> Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep  
> And doesn't know where to find them  
> Leave them alone and they'll come home  
> Wagging their tails behind them
> 
> Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater  
> Had a wife but couldn't keep her  
> Put her in a pumpkin shell  
> And there he kept her very well
> 
> Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet  
> Eating her curds and whey  
> Along came a spider that sat down beside her  
> And frightened Miss Muffet away.
> 
> If you need to know the story of Pinocchio or Thumbelina, I suggest you go  
> read a book, 'cuz I'm not going into it here.


End file.
